Dear Citizens...

Heed this warning.  If you piss on the seat in a public restroom, I will find you.  I will seek you out, and I will destroy your existence.  I don't understand what the hell you're thinking!  What kind of person walks into a public restroom, sees the urinals, passes BY the urinals, and walks into a stall to take a piss?  Freak.  All the urinals are free, and you gotta use a stall to take a piss?  You sick sonofabitch.

The only fathomable reason is, if you're pissing on the seat, your aim must be that bad where you would completely miss the urinal entirely, thus, forcing you to use a larger receptacle.  In which case, IF YOU PISS ON IT, WIPE IT.  Other people don't want to sit in your waste.  

You better pray I don't catch you in the act.  Cuz that's the day you find out what your piss tastes like.  Hope you weren't drinking too much coffee, twit.

So next time you take a piss, think to yourself... "Could today be the day??"  Maybe you ought to stop by the Rite Aid and grab some breath mints.  

And to those of you carving holes in the stall walls... I'm onto you.  You disgust me.   

Yeah, Georgie.  Mr. Saphire is right.  How come you only show me get mad and never show me finger-painting, or interpretive dancing?  

These times, fair citizens, are dire times, indeed.  The domino effect is in full-swing and institution after institution collapses.  Crisis after crisis falls on our doorsteps.  Heed this proclamation:  You haven't seen anything yet.  The worst is yet to come, and you can take that to the bank; if your bank still has money that is.  But in the darkest of times, I can make one promise.  That no matter how bleak, no matter how dark it gets, the sun will shine again.  And one institution that will never collapse under the threat of a crisis is the mighty Pole Patrol.  There will be sun again.  There will be a new day.  And with the Sunrise, so does the Pole.  So rise up.  Rise up!  Put your faith in the Pole, and you will be illuminated.

The Earth has a sickness.  On the scale of diseases, this rates up with Ebola, or Sorority Girls.  Both cause vomiting and bleeding from orifices.  Mother Earth, as we call her, in respect to the entire universe is really a 19-yr-old newly inducted sorority girl who's trying to cope with her newfound insecurities by proving her worth as a friend through an elimination process, saturating her body with booze, and vomiting her self-respect right down the toilet.  We as humans naturally want to take advantage of this situation, but we must no longer "tap these resources" with such recklessness.  She is fragile, and as much damage has already been done, we must begin a healing process.  The first step to healing is a prescription.  That prescription is Pole Patrol.  We possess the equipment to get the job done quickly, efficiently, and without any mess.  We'll clean her up and keep her clean by utilizing our Pole Protection.  So remember, a good, strong Pole should be embraced.  It is healthy for the individual, but healthier for mankind. 

What 3 yr old do you know that could play the piano?  If there is anyone who believes that Mozart could play the piano when he was three, PLEASE let me know.  Your thinking requires immediate correction.  My cousin had one of those fisher price pads or whatever when he was 3, and the sh*t he stomped out wasn't written into a symphony.  So just because some curious little 3 yr old wanders up to a piano because he needs the attention and bangs out some piano jibberish, DOES NOT qualify a statement that he could actually play the instrument.  Mozart is a liar, and if he were alive today I'd tell him to his face... That, and he'll forever live in Beethoven's shadow.  What a conceited little prick.  Building himself up like that.  That's the kind of bullsh*t that really gets under my nerves.

 And even more than Mozart making up sh*t to build his ego, is people who think their cats are special, or that they can play the piano, too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0zgQAp7EYw 

This cat is one diminished chord away from diminishing what's left of my brain, and anyone else who watches this pathetic display.  I especially like the part where she labels it, "Call and Response."  Well how about this.  If you think that cat's talent is a calling, here is my response:  "It's garbage!  And get out more."  Seriously, one of these days something is going to fall out of the sky, and you'll miss it.  But I promise, it won't miss you cat lady.  It is things like your cat that make it hard for me to get outta bed.  Knowing that somewhere today, there are people who think cats can play the piano.  What am I supposed to do with that?  It's not very inspiring.  But then again, neither was Mozart... 3 yr old prick. 

P - Power

O - Omnipotent

L - LONG

E - Eternal (Sunshine)

I am a keeper of PEACE for the very proof of life.  A watchman who looks over the lands and seas and galaxies providing the tranquility to allow the meek creatures of this universe to carry out their lives happily.  Meekly, but happily.

The struggle, my good citizens, is an infinite game of tug-of-war between GOOD and evil... LIGHT and dark.  The only difference is, the loser doesn't get muddy... they get dead.  Real dead.  Dead like my neighbor's dog if I ever get my hands on it.  I digress.

The balance of LIGHT and dark has been infinite.  It is the never-ending way of life; Rocky vs. the Russian, Yankees vs the Red Sox, Common Sense vs. Britney Spears.  This is the very world we all live in.  It is what makes up the mysteries of the universe.  You'll have to take my word for it.  However, where darkness becomes abundant, there must be action.  Swift action.  POLE ACTION.  There is nothing a strong Pole couldn't fix about Britney Spears.  So fear not, for the Poles themselves are INFINITE!  They carry the very power of light within them.  They are the All-powerful's very definition of "Good."  A Pole, wherein defined a Pole by the Patrol, will live on forever.  It has hence been given a never-ending purpose; Peace by way of the Pole. 

So remember.  We are infinite.  We will never go away.